Status 2.july 2011
First of, the good news. I finally got a job:) I have been hired by Securitas as a guard, and have just got of my 2.shift at Grand Hotel in Oslo. This is a job I have some experience in, and with good coworkers, I think I am going to enjoy working for Securitas.
So to the not-so good stuff.
The last month or so, I have felt like I have made some real headway in my grieving-process, but as it turns out, I cannot lie to myself, the feelings I still have for Hanna are considerable, and it has gotten worse over the last couple of days. In all fairness, it is not just Hanna anymore, but I have begun to feel the sting in my heart again, and I hate it. It prevents me from moving forwards in my life. It seems that every time I start liking a girl,some crap happens, and I fall down in a depressive episode. Luckily most of these episodes are light, but I doubt that it would take much for it to become really, really bad.
I re-met an.. let’s call it an old friend of mine a couple of months ago, when she was visiting her aunt here in Norway. It was really nice to see her again, and something wonderful happened when I was around her, something I did not expect. I felt at peace, in balance with my self and my heart felt peace and joy. I started to fantasize and philosophise about what this could mean,especially since my friend said that she had experienced something similar when she was with me. Since it was a long time since last I had any contact with my friend, and she was at one point an important part of my life, I did not want to mess things up by saying something stupid, jumping the proverbial gun as it were.
The facts are these:
I wanted, and maybe I still want, a second chance with her, in time. As it stands today, I have nothing to offer her, exept my heart. I have just recently gotten a job, I have no place to live, and at the moment, the most important thing in my life, since Hanna decided I was no longer someone she wanted in her life, the martial arts. A few years ago, that was fine, since it was all I knew anyway, but now, I wish to fill my life with something other than just martial arts. I have wanted a family of my own since before I was 20, but today, on my way home from work, I had a vision. And it scared me.. I saw an image of my self, surrounded by a family, and one by one, everyone of my children, and my wife (in the vision) disappeared. They just…dissolved.. I am afraid of what this vision could mean, and I deeply fear, that it will come true. That my greatest dream, wish and ambition in life, to have a family, will remain just that, a dream.
Every time I start liking a girl, and I feel like things are starting to turn to the positive, something happens, and either I end up loosing her altogether, or she just wants to be friends.. Don’t get me wrong, one needs friends, but friends I have, good friends,and the best of my friends, I consider to be family, but more friends is not what I need. I need someone in my life, someone to share my tragedies and triumphs, and life’s little challenges. Someone to share my life and passions with, and who wants to share their passion with me.
I need a woman in my life, who can be the one that keeps me focused and centered. The list over people who qualifies and holds to these standards is a short one, and two of the top of the list either do not want me in her life anymore, and have recently found someone they would rather be with than me.
Will I ever find love again, and if I actually find it, will I recognize it, and more importantly, will I have the courage to once again, trust another person with my heart?
